Many thoughts still remain in my mind, though sometimes my mind appears blank and plain. Life has changed, whether its good or for bad i dont know. But as the ultimate optimist which I am I sincerely hope its for the good to come by.

I live in a room alone thinking of the past, unconsciously my mind takes me through a trip down memory lane every night before iam lost in sleep. College isnt the same place that was earlier to me. Ofcourse things change with time but I never believed that people also do change until it happened in my life and with me too.

Although what all has happened has given me sometime to work on things I like, they have left some scars for life. Iam better person now but I always wonder why does it have to be the hard way? Cant life be learnt in a simple better way??

The days went by without me noticing...Life has been good and bad and all that it can be...I made friends...I had fun..its been months since that painful disaster....the wounds are still fresh when i think of them..yet i somehow spent time so that iam not reminded of it....there are moments when i felt iam in total control...yet there is a unknown doubt that lingers in my mind...I have learnt a lot all through these months...ofcourse the evil inside of me had its time as well...but i have been trying to cut down on the evil part...i moved on with my life in these months....preaching people where i have failed...a few had become close to me...i have seen the best, the cunning, the cruel and all other aspects of people....still i need to learn more....i write in confusing words that not many seem to comprehend but then iam that confused that i dont know what iam writing...all i know is write...which is what i want to do....

In a few moments of madness my life got frozen....that is all i remember ....may be i will remember this lesson for a long time in my life....the sine wave of hope continues to be there within me....making me to move on when it is at its crest and making me to stop and think when it is at its trough...

At this moment when iam about to go back to do the unfinished job....i somehow sense something bad...what is it..i dont know.....yet somehow...i have to do it....my patience iam beginning to lose it all again...yet it is stronger than ever....i jus hope that i dont make the same mistake again...

things that we done to ourselves can never be undone
only with time they can ever be forgotten
hoping for a new beginning will i ever be
hoping these times will i again never see
there is sunshine in the distant morning
and we shouldnt stop but keep going
all we have to do is live the darkest night
struggle our way past with all our might
i know one day we willl all be there again
jumping with joy, dancing in the rain

it kills me

Things change, people change but somehow the memories dont..they tend to forget to change..they always remain the same...when i was in college..as soon as i entered to my last semester i felt that iam gonna carry out some nice memories outta my college..but in a matter of month all was changed forever..there aint those sweet memories that i laugh about, but all i was left with was all those stupid fights, those moments of sheer madness in which more than jus a thing was lost, all the dreams that we hoped to, all those ideas we sit and planned, and the worst thing is that iam not still out of the college..i hate to go the college, but dont know..i have to go somehow..it kills me more..there is a sense of incompleteness that i feel..looking back at the things that happeneed and all those ppl who are so close not able to listen to each other and now being an world apart from each other and then having to know about each other from different sources when once we chatted like anything over the phones and whenever we meet..acting like as if things are fine between us when someone else asks us..being online but not even telling a simple hi to each other...ahhh..damn..it feels so sick to get that idea that we all are no more together....and a few things that have happened in the recent past which were a obvious consequence of our stupid acts makes me feel even more sick.........iam still sitting in the home..doing nothing..i wished to have a break after engg but definitely not this kinda break where i am licking my own wounds.....

As of now i just hope that all those friends of me are doing good..infact 3 of them have joined in job..so thats good.one girl is like me in home and the other is still studying as she should..all the best guys wherever u are..i jus hope u get the best in life and get what u want.....i dont know what else to tell..after having seen so much of all this....i am almost telling these words that i thought i wud never say..."Iam sorry i cant trust u ppl anymore".....and to the girl that i liked...."u are right ..u are not so understanding..i hope that u have heard what u want to in case u are reading this..."....hope all of u feel so happy now...but it kills me every single day......

three of the last 4 posts..except the one which is short(let me be) belongs to my frnds..but i quite liked them so i posted them here....

It's an exotic danger, and my life's such a waste
I'm just a burdening over-emotional mess
How I'm still alive is for anyone to guess
The longer that I fight, the more that I break
I wonder, can anyone tell that my smile is fake?
Running from problems won't always succeed
Sooner or later I'll have no blood left to bleed
But I can still run for now, so I'm running away
Fighting the bitter pain that comes day after day
For now I'll let the crimson tears stain my skin
Letting what's here waste away to what's been

let me be

Let me be your talking guide,
And always be walking by your side,
Let me be your listening ear,
And always hold your every tear,
Let me be your every breath,
And always be with you till death!!

The warrior

I am a warrior who holds the key to my path
For it is I to choose left or right
I can clear the hindrances and obstacles
With the right belief and strength
For such warrior, there is no fear, and no holding back. I know as a warrior, I do not give up, but go to the path I chose. Right or wrong. For I have a purpose.
For that reason I live.
Battles I face each day of my life.
I have more losses than wins
But as a warrior in life I know that
The only way to success and salvation
Is failure. For I now know, to beat the enemy. I must endure and be in defeat
As a warrior, there is no success at all times. For at defeat of my enemies I then hold advantage. I have suffered, and endured defeat. For this time I will not make the same mistakes, and stand back up against them all. As a warrior I desire more to fail. So I'll be able to see my wrong and learn tactics to defeat my enemies. For I know failure is not the end, but delineates the area I have lacked in my battles. For I am a true warrior!

Until we Meet again

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
I knew someday it would have to end
I knew eventually I would have to go back to calling you friend
It's killing me that now that day has come
If it's for the best then where is this pain from
I know deep inside that this is what I had to do
but it's breaking my heart to walk away from you
I'm trying my best to appear strong
but it's hard when part of me says that in your arms is where I belong
I still love you with all my heart
that's not going to change even though we're apart
You were my first love

There are so many of our special times I'm going to miss
All the words I ever said or wrote still hold true
But for now from a distance is where I'll be loving you
I think you need me as a friend to help you through
because there are things I can't control that are hurting you
We both have issues no one knows of
neither of us had the strength to be true to our love
Maybe we will be together again if it was meant to be
but for now please don't stop loving me
Even though I'm not your boyfriend I'll still be here
With a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear
The story of love can be quicker than the blink of an eye
But our story of won't be over until the day that we die
Until We Meet Again
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

one last time....

I don't need a life time I just need a last time of everything I felt..

One last kiss to rejoice your love, one last hug to feel your warmth...

One last moment in your arms to make me feel that you'll take care...

One glance of your smile, which made my heart jump....

One last long drive, to make me feel that we left the world behind...

One last treat and one last toast, to celebrate the strength of our love...

One last frown on your face which shows that you are angry coz you care...

One last song i want to hum to you which makes me feel like i have got the luckiest girl in the world...

One last goodbye which creates an excitement that we are gonna meet again...

One last reason to live in this world to keep me alive without you....

courtesy....my frnd blog.....

if we burn our wings
flying too close to the sun
if the moment of glory
is over before its begun
if the dream is won
though everything is lost
we will pay the price
but we will not count the cost

when the dust has cleared
and victory is denied
the plan was too lofty
the river a little too wide
if we keep our pride
though paradise is lost
we will pay the price
but we will not count the cost

and as the music stops
theres only the sound of the rain
all the hope and the glory
all the sacrifice in vain
and only love remains
though everything is lost
we will pay the price
but we will not count the cost

and all the love remains

I am alive and kicking again..
I'm doing my works and in order to keep myself busy i have joined in a small firm in my local hometown. The work is nice and interesting and as always i am learning new things and reliving a few things that i already learnt. The work is helping me with my insomnia and keeps me busy. During the day i browse and i'm making new friends online. I am getting back to the old ways. Whatever has happened in the past cant be forgotten and i'm taking things in a positive way. The things that have happened have given me a few more goals to achieve in life. So all the time i feel i'm working with a purpose in my life.
Well i'd write about my work and more later......And i have started another blog too, something that my friend suggested.

I believe......

I Believe:
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.
I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.
I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.
I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I believe...
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything they have.'

The days are going by, things havent changed much, infact they didnt change at all. Only my wait continues. As of now i'm thinking what to do ahead in life, for i cant let it go. There are more days to come, more good days to come and i have to get prepared for that. There are also a few headaches that are there right now for me but they will take care of themselves, so there is not much trouble i should say. I'm thinking of starting a new blog where i write about my passions and the things that i know about. This blog will only be about me and my life and its delicate intricacies. As of now this is it. I'm feeling sleepy so will write later

There are certain things in life that you don't want to become, I just became one of those. There is no voice for you anymore, you exist just because you exist. There will be advices that are coming in from many sides, and i tell you there is nothing wrong with them except that you don't want to do it. And in case you have got an idea or thought of doing something other than what everyone else is saying it is considered to be an insane idea. And the moment you tell your view to anyone and talk slightly stubbornly on it they get angry on you. If you dont listen to them you are treated as stubborn and arrogant and got an bit of attitude. And then all you can do is to agree with them because you dont want to lose more people in life, you've already lost enough. Ah it feels terrible to be like this. All that you can do is to act like a freaking robot for sometime till you get to that time again when you can speak or defy everything and go against everyone and do according to your wishes. But i'll tell you one thing it takes lot of courage and confidence to do the second thing, and also you've to be very precise and right when you do it.

Farewell

Its always tough to leave someone or some place with which you have developed a bonding. All those people with whom you had good laugh, together with whom you did many a good things, with whom you had fun, danced and screamed and freaked out with. These memories never fade for those are never meant to come back, every single moment holds its own special importance. And you may think that you can always comeback. But what if the parting is done in the hard way, with some silly stupid fight and some egoistically spoken words. You dont know when you will meet them ever again in life to relive all those moments again. You leave alone hoping that one day things will be fine and you can sit back with all your loved ones and fill the air again with the same sort of magical feeling that once was there holding us all together.

This is life isn't it? You meet some and leave some. Very few things in this world are permanent, and most things come with an expiry date.When you meet you hope that this is forever but all the things that you hope may not exactly turn out the same way. And when those people with whom you had a bond no matter how long or short the relation is there is a void that has been created in lives. But you cannot stop there. You have to move on hoping that the past was great and the future is good. New people will continue to come into your life and embrace you, you have to look for the love of old ones in them. No two relations will be the same for its not the same person. The void that is left by the one who is leaving is something that cannot be filled we may think, but it sure will be filled by someone. There are more good people in this world than one can imagine. And so the journey continues with a strange hope that one day you will meet all those with whom you had developed a liking. You may or may not but one day when you sit back and think you will realise that your life is complete with all those people you have met through it.

HOPE

"Hope"
Its a funny four letter word and a funny feeling too. Sometimes it makes you feel that whatever you dream or expect will happen and makes you go through life, but sometimes it also makes you to go through pain too when your brain and the things around that are going indicate that its not what you think and perhaps what you visualise is wrong.

I'm lost in between those two feelings right now. Some part of me says that those people who left me will come back by understanding what they have done and the other says what if they dont realise their mistakes soon enough. Already the time has taken its toll on me. I have waited and finally got myself into a big pile of shit that no one wants to get into. Can i wait more? Or rather the question i have to ask myself is should i wait?

May be i think i should move on and go ahead with my life. May be some things better are waiting. A better love may be on its way. Better relationships and more good people are waiting to meet me. I have to move on in my journey. I have waited enough.And in case i have to come back i dont have any problem for i know the path and i can retrace it. I have to move on and continue to do what i'm best in, making others happy. I have gained an experience in my life and with this i can probabaly help a lot of others who may get into the same shit as me if i stop here. On the other hand the things that i want to do are also waiting. I have to acheive what i want to achieve. May be that might prove an eye opener to all these people. I know that i have accepted my mistakes and gave my best too. I have been as honest as possible and if ever i lied sometimes it was always in the best interests of the relationships i care about and nothing personal. I believe in myself and the principles i choose to live with. They will never let me down. I will move on. I hope that one day i will see what i visualise to see. I have to make history. I have to write my own story that the whole world likes to read.

"Hope"
It might be a funny four letter word but it has some magic in it which makes everything possible.

Right Now Feeling

As i sit and think about all those people whom i had once and whom i love so much i start to get a thought whether they are all also thinking about me or is it just me who is unable to let them go off from my mind. Did the girl whom i loved so much really forgot about me as she said and is she able to go with her things as normal as she used to do? If she really did forget all those things why cant i let her go?

And all those people who i know very well and those with whom i was very close able to forget everything that happened and then go with their lives? If so then why cant i again?

What is it about that made me such an emotional person?
Why cant i just let them go off from my mind?

Damn this feeling for this is the worst that anyone can go through. This is like you have everyone around you but still feel lonely and alone. All those people who are my friends are really good and just not able to care about me. They are busy in their own lives while i just bide my time for them to come back so that i can have the same happiness all over again.

What is it about me that makes me so difficult to comprehend or is it that people understand me and still dont want to talk just because their ego's are stopping me?

How will i be able to forget them and move on?
How can i accept new persons into my life again after what all these people had shown me?
Damn why am i getting so many questions?

As i said in my earlier post the thoughts are getting mixed and i cant write even. I can only feel.
Damn!!!!

A few random thoughts

The Journey

It is often said
The journey is more important
Than the destination.
Well, if the journey is this bad
The destination had better be good.



Why doesn't anybody understand, when I am
complaining I just wanna be listened to.
So, stop giving me solutions. You can try
telling me how good I am instead. Trust me,
it will work much better than fault
finding and exhortation.

Why is it so difficult to admit to
having made a mistake?

Why do some people derive pleasure
in making life difficult for others?

Why is it that some people refuse
to see beneath the surface? The
reality stares back at them
through a veil and they refuse to
see the truth for what it is.

Why do absolute deceit and absolute
faith so often have such a thin line
between them?

Why is it so difficult for some to
offer words of comfort or empathize?
As humans aren't we well equipped for
the task? If you don't understand this,
try listening when a person is upset
with you. Don't expect them to
say it, just observe them with compassion
and you'll find what they want through
the chaff. And most often,
it's not something expensive.

Tell me to do it and you will find me
decided not to do it. Tell me not to do it,
you'll find I've done it already.

Why can't some people understand you no
matter how long they've lived with you?
They just refuse to accept you for
who you are.

P.S: This blog i wrote is courtesy a blog that i'm following, i thank the one who wrote this for these are the feelings that i want to express and thanks for making my job easier. Hope you do not have any objections.

What i was....

Everytime i come here i want to write something but then as soon as i start writing my thoughts get mixed and i forget what to write. Thats how i have become from someone who used to be very clear in his thinking.

Everytime i go out and hang with my friends they are feeling that i'm not involving so much in their conversation and making them bored. Thats how i become from someone who used to do all the noise and talking and cheering up people.

Everywhere i go i carry a bit of sadness with me. Thats how i become from being someone who used to carry an never ending smile on his face.

Everytime i sleep i sleep because of an headache or due to fatigue caused out of something. Thats how i become from someone who used to sleepy happily at nights.

Everytime i wake up i wake up at an odd time or due to the scolding of my parents. Thats how i become from being someone who used to get up whenever he wants.

Everytime i sleep some good old memories come to my mind making me nostalgic and insomniac. Thats how i become from someone who always enjoyed those moments.

Everytime i talk with someone there is a sense of fear in me of what that person is thinking of me and what wrong i may speak with him and whether that person knows what had happened to me. Thats how i become from being an honest man and having no fear.

They say that if you are an honest man you have nothing to be afraid of. I was an honest man and i'm an honest man now but no one still cares about that. That is what makes me afraid.

damn this!!!

i would like to tell you one thing...in life never let someone get on top of you or you know what i mean...command you....that doesnt mean that you should command everyone....

if ever you give someone a slightest chance that would be it..for because once that happens and people start to show u their sympathy u have to be u know kind of slave for them for whatever they did to u.......

the position i'm in right now is like that....i'm an college drop out i should say.....the reasons are again related to what i told above....

there were a few mistakes from my side and then the people around me made it even worse....now people call either to sympathise with me or either ridicule me.....they want to show off.....this is one thing most like to do.....

i dont like both...i mean sympathies and ridicule......

right now i dont have a voice anywhere....i cant go to the college and then tell the same old good things i once said for i'm nobody to them now...the reason is simple.....i dont have the proof for my talent....

this brings me to one more thing...always try to maintain proofs for everything you do for u know when u need them.....

and then i cant talk in my home.....first thing is that i'm the youngest in my family....and another i didnt do what i was supposed to....so whatever they say i have to listen........they say sleep i sleep .....they say eat i eat....thats it....nothing else......

and now i have to prove to everyone......damn i hate this......but it doesnt matter for in order to win back my freedom and rights i have to do it......there really is a point to prove here.....

?????????

I have a few questions that have been arising in my mind.....
When can we ever say that i have heard enough?
why dont we ever seek the truth?
why do people get hurt when we tell the truth?
why cannot we think when we are angry?
why do we always realise things too late?
do we have to care for people who are close to us?
why do we judge people?
what is good and what is not?
what does it take to tell a person you love that you love her/him?
how can we prove that you are being genuine?
what does it take to believe a person?
what does it take to forget the thing that you keep on remembering?
is love a tangible or intangible?
how can we prove the existence of things that are intangible?
what does it take to succeed in life?
what does it to get the things you want to have in life?
what does it take to ruin your life completely and then again try to come back and succeed?
can we ever get back those things which we lost?
do miracles happen only in movies or also in real life?
and finally does god really exist and if so why does he do all this?

Life will never be the same

well finally the inevitable had happened. I was detained in the final sem of my engineering and as of now i dont want to go back to that place ever again.i think i came back forever. My parents at home have been mighty kind on me i should say. they are not showing a single feeling on their face. but i can understand how they might be feeling inside. they may be thinking that next sem i will go again and study and complete my engineering. but i dont want to go to that place where there is no one and i cant stand the pain again. i waited as long as i could in hope that those who hurt me will understand and come back to me but then they never did. i cant wait forever. and in order to forget the pain they have caused i also have decided to cut all the contacts and start a new life all over again.lot of people dont know that i will not talk with them. i have to sit and think what i want to do ahead in life. but one thing is sure whatever has happened it has changed many lives and the way they are lived. life will never be the same again.

HOW WORSE???

Have you ever asked yourself a conscious question of how worse your life can get? and i'm pretty sure that you can never get an exact answer for that. one can never imagine that. you will always fall short of the reality. i did the same mistake, but there was a chance that it could have been avoided had i read a few signs of mistrust. but then the problem is that i'm an optimist and can never think of things getting worse, i was always hopeful that things will get better. they never did. they got worse and worse and worse.
ever thought of a feeling when the persons you trust the most not trusting and you are for yourself alone sitting in a dark room and then wondering what to do with the tears of sorrow flowing down your cheeks ?? what answer can you give yourself?? what it feels like to lose lot of people because you have no other option than to just walk away for you dont want to hurt the people you like the most?? ever got a feeling when you dont know whom to trust and whom not to??
this is how bad my life is now and i never could imagine this nor did i see it coming. everything happened so fast i should say in two moments of emotional and mental unstability and then a few lives were changed forever atleast one was changed for sure.
this may not be the most worst thing that could happen but then this my answer to the question i posed myself.

My experiences in life are unique. I always get close but never ever able to get what i want. My love is one of them. From now on i will write here whenever i am free, i have a few questions to ask. i have my life story to tell. all this that i present here is true feeling that arises from my heart and is also accountable to people around me and their views about me. if in this regard i happen to hurt the feelings of any people i would like to extend my apologies to them for hurting them is not at all my intention. the only reason i write here is that i have no one to tell or i shall say i want no one close to me to know it. i feel that the readers take this in the right spirit. any comments and suggestions are always welcome.

life is jus beginning

today i sat infront of the computer hopelessly and wondering what to do. but then i found hope waiting for me. from now on i will never look back in life. i will always be ready for the things to come.life in the last 2 and a half months has shown me many things.now its my turn to give back my share. let me live the life. ready or not here i come.