my life's biggest mistake

Well I think my story of this can make it to the Oscar if I can make a movie of it. I always felt I’m guided by god and I’m still being guided, last night at the right moment I happened to study a book which I didn’t earlier. The book is called WHO MOVED MY CHEESE? Well after reading it I felt that my cheese has moved and so I thought to let go off things and be normal with her again and so that I can be her friend. So I called her and told that I jus want her friendship now and nothing else. I tried to explain her that I’m jus wishing for her friendship and nothing else and I asked her to trust me in that sense and promised her that I’ll never break her trust. And when I was talking and trying to win her back the balance in my mobile was over and so I was stopped In the middle. But then I thought that I did enough to convince her and she’ll be fine with me from tomorrow. And being slightly happy for the first time in three days I slept off hoping for things to be normal when I wake up again.

But they were not. Long after I slept she messaged me saying that its tough for her being normal with me again. She said that she cant trust me again. I know that I’m making her feel bad but then she still cant trust me. I don’t know right now I’m feeling really weak. I just don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost. I’m confused that I cant decide whether to give up or to try even harder to win her friendship back. I just cant decide and the most cruelest thing is that I cant right now share the feeling with anyone so that they can help me. Previously I used to share with her my everything whether its joy or sorrow. With her I was always frank. That’s the feeling I get when I see her as if I know her from years together. But right now she is gone so I have to feel the pain myself. I gave her so much liberty that I never gave her anyone that much coz I felt close with her. Today in college I almost couldn’t control myself and I cried almost and I had to cover up saying that my eyes were burning so water is coming out of it when my friend asked me whether I’m crying out. I was feeling so weak that I couldn’t hold a pen to write in the class. And if I start writing I’m writing what I’m feeling but not what my professor was saying. I don’t know what to do. Every time that phone beeps I jus wish it was her calling me to say that she trusts me and will share her friendship with me but then that never happened. When I called her in the night she said that she is fearing me a lot but then today I was fearing to face her and then I decided to go meet her and really I couldn’t face her. At first I thought of talking to her but then when she came close to me I felt myself going back away from her. It was she only who talked and went away. I’m really feeling guilty for doing this to her. Such a nice person she is. But I’m happy that at least the feeling of guilt has passed on from her to me for she cant live with it. She always use to feel guilty because I’m getting disturbed in my love with her but then she doesn’t know that she was always my inspiration and she still continues to be even after all this for it is still the hope that I can win her friendship one day that is keeping me going.

She said to me that I should hate her because she made me cry but I dont hate her because only a person who knows me can make me cry. For I don’t cry when someone who doesn’t know me comment on me for they don’t know me completely. I just still cant believe after explaining her so much she still don’t trust me. That makes me understand how much I hurt her. Probably I think the wound I made to her will never heal. And she’ll never comeback.

I think we both are feeling the same thing right now. She also trying to be happy on the outside but I know she is feeling bad inside. And for me I have to act for the time being as if I’m happy even though I’m not, for the world I live in and my friends always feel that I’m a happy person. They just cant think of me being sad. They come to me to be happy and if I myself am not how can they feel happy. So for them I put a mask on myself and I’m acting as if I’m the same person as they know me. I know they cant know the difference whether I’m acting or not. The thing with me is that its not just her that is unable to understand me but also my friends, parents literally everyone just are not able to understand me. Am I really that complicated?
I always believed in one thing “if there is anything that I really do want the universe will conspire and give it to me” but they are not happening. And moreover the more I’m craving for a thing the more it is going away from me. First it was her love and now it was her friendship. Probably its time I change my beliefs and start afresh with new ones. Or may be I should stop wishing for things. I’m dying inside but then at the same time I’m sick of trying too. I tried so hard that I’m too weak now. I jus t feel that I should take rest and leave it all. May be with time everything will suffice.

A first I wondered why this is happening to me but when I look back now I realize it was myself who inflicted upon me all this. She said to me stop thinking of her and go on but then me in my madness I didn’t listen and went on saying to her how much I love her. Had I stopped, at least I would have had her as my friend but then I never. I think I did my life’s biggest ever mistake and I completely deserve the punishment I’m facing now.

my first love-part 2

Well my worst fears have been realized as expected my love went away from me. I jus hope it is for the time being but then she looks like she’s never going to return. I have been trying hard to sink in this feeling but then I couldn’t. I never thought that she doesn’t like me at all. I always thought that she’ll accept me and we can live forever in life. I don’t know why she did but then I accept her because if she accepts me for the sake of myself she cant be happy. I always want her to be happy and I’m happy that she wants someone better than me in her life. I sincerely hope she finds him. But at the same time I also want her to comeback. And the worst part about it is that she didn’t understand how much I love her. She never gave me a chance to explain her myside. But whatever has happened I accept it. But then I didn’t lose jus my love but also a nice friend like her. Probably I think I deserve this for making some one as nice as her cry. We used to be nice friends and always I liked talking to her. But then she refused to be my friend too. As they say friendship may end in love but love in friendship never does. I don’t know how to react at this point of time but I’m really feeling miserable here having lost her. At any cost I want her back in my life for only that may get the best out of me. Right now I’m feeling really guilty for the choice I made to propose to her but then I might have felt the same if I didn’t in my life ever. May be one day she may realize how much I love her and come back to me but as of now I lost her forever. For the time being I think that proposing to her was my first biggest mistake in life. I never thought that she’ll leave me for this. And one more reason that makes me feel even more miserable is that because of me she doesn’t want to be friends with anyone in our group. I tried to explain her that remaining all people are good and not like me but she never listened to me nor did she care to listen to me however bad I tried to explain to her. In the process I showed my anger on her too. I think that made things even more bad. But coming to my friends I’m really sorry for them that they lost a nice friend because of me. And I’m really sorry to her too that she lost some nice people because of me. They are people who can help her be a better person in her life. They are the people with whom she can be to easily forget me. I’ll be happy if she treats them normally even if she doesn’t treat me too.

I always wanted a friend like her and in time also wanted to marry someone like her and spend my life. That was my dream and she was my dream girl. And right now it looks as if I was waken up from my lovely dream. But then I wish I can be in that dream only. I jus cant face this harsh reality. But then I’m happy that I live my dream even if it was partial.

Right now I cant make a decision whether to wish for her to come back in my life as my love or jus as a friend but I’ll be happy if either of the things happen.

Even after all this I told her that I still love her and jus because that she refused to accept me my love for her doesn’t die. I always loved her and will continue to till my last breath. How can one ever forget their first love?? I’ll continue to treat her as my friend and will try to help her at my best so that she will succeed in her life. I forgot to tell you she is really special and if she can follow the things I told her she’ll reach a very good position. Let me tell you she is the next best thing in the making. She jus needs to be chiseled and a few final touches are need to be given to make her a finished product.

I always believe that things happen for a reason. The reason could be that this separation may help her to understand how I love her or could be that I’ll get some one better. I strongly feel that its for the former.

As for now I can only hope that with time things will be all fine. I hope that the wounds we made to each other will heal and give rise to a renewed relationship between us. I jus only can hope that for. only hope is the thing that right now drives me in my life.

my first love

well for days i have been thinking of blogging but it was my love that brought me here.My first love and i hope my only love for i dont want to love anyone else than jus her.But she choosed not to accept me and leave me for ever.we used to be good friends once and i thought that she'll love me too and proposed to her but she didnt like it.She said that she doesn't like love and left me forever.But i still continue to love her and will love her till my last breath after all she is my first love. how can i forget her?? she may not be as beautiful as everyone wishes but then beauty for me is temporary. she has that charm with her which is permanent.i cannot forget how she inspired me during my tough times.she'll be one of the reasons if i achieve something in my life.i can never forget the care she took to wake me up whenever i wanted.but when i asked her to be with me and wake up everyday single day of my life she left me.i still dont know why she left me but i feel she loves me too.there is something which is stopping her which i don't know.i know however hard she may try to forget me she cant for i've etched my footprints so hard that she cant even chisel away them.they are there forever they will be.today i'm not sad that my love has left me but i'm happy that she wants to choose someone better than me.i sincerely hope she does for i always want her to make the best choice possible.whether she will forget me or not but i can never.her smiling face will always be there in front of my very eyes.her lovely voice will ring in my ears.for now i feel that she has made the best choice she can make for i can never know why she choose not to choose me.i believe that there is always why things happen.probably it might be true as she used to say that i deserve more than her and i deserve someone better than her. but at any point in my life i'll be ready to accept her if she likes to.she'll be my one and only love.i jus wish her all the good luck in her life.with her i had a very nice time and those memories will keep me going in my life.well as of now my wait for my dream girl continues.