my life's biggest mistake

Well I think my story of this can make it to the Oscar if I can make a movie of it. I always felt I’m guided by god and I’m still being guided, last night at the right moment I happened to study a book which I didn’t earlier. The book is called WHO MOVED MY CHEESE? Well after reading it I felt that my cheese has moved and so I thought to let go off things and be normal with her again and so that I can be her friend. So I called her and told that I jus want her friendship now and nothing else. I tried to explain her that I’m jus wishing for her friendship and nothing else and I asked her to trust me in that sense and promised her that I’ll never break her trust. And when I was talking and trying to win her back the balance in my mobile was over and so I was stopped In the middle. But then I thought that I did enough to convince her and she’ll be fine with me from tomorrow. And being slightly happy for the first time in three days I slept off hoping for things to be normal when I wake up again.

But they were not. Long after I slept she messaged me saying that its tough for her being normal with me again. She said that she cant trust me again. I know that I’m making her feel bad but then she still cant trust me. I don’t know right now I’m feeling really weak. I just don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost. I’m confused that I cant decide whether to give up or to try even harder to win her friendship back. I just cant decide and the most cruelest thing is that I cant right now share the feeling with anyone so that they can help me. Previously I used to share with her my everything whether its joy or sorrow. With her I was always frank. That’s the feeling I get when I see her as if I know her from years together. But right now she is gone so I have to feel the pain myself. I gave her so much liberty that I never gave her anyone that much coz I felt close with her. Today in college I almost couldn’t control myself and I cried almost and I had to cover up saying that my eyes were burning so water is coming out of it when my friend asked me whether I’m crying out. I was feeling so weak that I couldn’t hold a pen to write in the class. And if I start writing I’m writing what I’m feeling but not what my professor was saying. I don’t know what to do. Every time that phone beeps I jus wish it was her calling me to say that she trusts me and will share her friendship with me but then that never happened. When I called her in the night she said that she is fearing me a lot but then today I was fearing to face her and then I decided to go meet her and really I couldn’t face her. At first I thought of talking to her but then when she came close to me I felt myself going back away from her. It was she only who talked and went away. I’m really feeling guilty for doing this to her. Such a nice person she is. But I’m happy that at least the feeling of guilt has passed on from her to me for she cant live with it. She always use to feel guilty because I’m getting disturbed in my love with her but then she doesn’t know that she was always my inspiration and she still continues to be even after all this for it is still the hope that I can win her friendship one day that is keeping me going.

She said to me that I should hate her because she made me cry but I dont hate her because only a person who knows me can make me cry. For I don’t cry when someone who doesn’t know me comment on me for they don’t know me completely. I just still cant believe after explaining her so much she still don’t trust me. That makes me understand how much I hurt her. Probably I think the wound I made to her will never heal. And she’ll never comeback.

I think we both are feeling the same thing right now. She also trying to be happy on the outside but I know she is feeling bad inside. And for me I have to act for the time being as if I’m happy even though I’m not, for the world I live in and my friends always feel that I’m a happy person. They just cant think of me being sad. They come to me to be happy and if I myself am not how can they feel happy. So for them I put a mask on myself and I’m acting as if I’m the same person as they know me. I know they cant know the difference whether I’m acting or not. The thing with me is that its not just her that is unable to understand me but also my friends, parents literally everyone just are not able to understand me. Am I really that complicated?
I always believed in one thing “if there is anything that I really do want the universe will conspire and give it to me” but they are not happening. And moreover the more I’m craving for a thing the more it is going away from me. First it was her love and now it was her friendship. Probably its time I change my beliefs and start afresh with new ones. Or may be I should stop wishing for things. I’m dying inside but then at the same time I’m sick of trying too. I tried so hard that I’m too weak now. I jus t feel that I should take rest and leave it all. May be with time everything will suffice.

A first I wondered why this is happening to me but when I look back now I realize it was myself who inflicted upon me all this. She said to me stop thinking of her and go on but then me in my madness I didn’t listen and went on saying to her how much I love her. Had I stopped, at least I would have had her as my friend but then I never. I think I did my life’s biggest ever mistake and I completely deserve the punishment I’m facing now.